A Certain Windowless Kitchen
by Hiss13
Summary: Throughout history, many chefs have ventured to alter the known paradigms of cooking. However, these attempts have always been lost in the sands of time. However, one lone chef seeks to do so with his exotic ingredients and even more exotic foods. Today the maid duo, Kumokawa Maria and Tsuchimikado Maika, shall venture to see if this chef has succeeded in doing just that.


Two maids with microphones stood in front of the camera. The short-haired one wore a standard blue and white maid uniform while sitting in seiza position on a rotating cylindrical cleaning robot. The one with long hair with multiple ringlet curls wore an eccentric yellow and black maid uniform. It was obvious to anyone that these two were not just any old maids.

"I am your host, Tsuchimikado Maika!"

"I am your co-host, Kumokawa Maria!"

"And you are watching _A Certain Maid's Exotic Kitchen!_ " The two girls spoke in a singsongy unison.

"This is the show where we take you throughout the kitchens of Academy City…"

"…and show you some of the exotic dishes that are being cooked up by its chefs."

"So, Kumokawa, where are we going this time?"

"Well, Tsuchimikado, it turns out our current destination is a restaurant called the Windowless Kitchen."

"The Windowless Kitchen? That sounds like an odd name for a restaurant."

"Indeed it is. Much like its name suggests, the restaurant actually has no windows and completely relies on its lighting for ambiance."

"Oooh. That's definitely bizarre. But I also hear that the restaurant uses exotic ingredients that can't be found anywhere else and are only used there."

"Uuugh…Tsuchimikado stole my line. That's a nice blow to my pride right there."

"Chin up, Kumokawa. I'll stop hijacking your lines for now."

"Mmm..Anyway, this restaurant's unique ingredients give quite the selling point that can draw any curious connoisseur over to it."

"And today, Kumokawa and I are going to find out if these exotic ingredients will produce good food."

"But, before we do that, we must introduce our test guine-uhh…audience, the laymen who will be tasting the exotic food this restaurant produces." With the cue from that sentence, the camera turned to face the the so-called test audience.

Much like the maids hosting the show, the 'test audience' was its own eccentric bunch. One was just a normal high school boy with spiky hair one would find anywhere. However, the two girls who were taste-testers shifted the bar on the normality spectrum far too much away from the normal end. One was a silver-haired nun wearing a white nun's habit. Clearly, she was not the face of normality. However, the other was a fifteen-centimeter tall girl with a cloak, eyepatch, and witch's hat who was sitting on top of the boy's shoulder. She was definitely far from one would call normal.

"Hey, Touma. Why is the weird boxy telescope lens pointing at us?" The nun asked to the spiky-haired boy.

"Index, that's the camera. They're recording. We're going to be on the TV."

"But Touma? How can we be inside that magical box if we're standing over here?"

"Human, I really would not dignify that question if I were you." The fifteen centimeter girl spoke from her perch on the boy's shoulder. "We all know that technology is not her strong point."

"Ahh…that's mean! Toooooumaaaaaaa."

"Think of it like an all-around reality array where you can see in detail what the target is doing but with a lag in time."

"Oh. That makes sense, Touma!"

"I would say I'm surprised, human, but I should have seen this coming."

"It's alright, Othinus. You should know as well as I do how used I got to this." Touma said, directing his words to the girl on his shoulder. "Besides, you're not all that competent with technology either."

"Well, excuse me for being only fifteen centimeters tall and fighting daily for my life against that giant cat monster…speaking of which, he's not here, is he?" Othinus asked while grabbing onto Touma's clothes as if to brace herself for an attack.

"No…most restaurants don't allow pets so I left him at home with the scratching post Itsuwa brought us a while back. I'm sure he's having plenty of fun with that."

"Eh-hem!" The two maids produced a harmonious yet obviously fake simultaneous cough in order to grab the attention of the 'test audience' back to the show.

"Introducing Kamijou Touma, Index, and Magic God Othinus!" The two maids exclaimed off-screen. "These three will be the audience who have volunteered to try out these exotic foods produced by the head chef of the Windowless Kitchen!"

With that, the camera shifted back to the two maids. "Now, let's not dawdle, Kamijou Touma!"

"A world of exotic cuisine awaits us!

* * *

True to its name, the Windowless Kitchen had zero windows. All it had was one door in the front which simply led into the bizarre area. On the walls and the corners of the restaurant were multiple large half and quarter cylindrical tubes with red liquid with air bubbles occasionally forming and floating upwards.

Kamijou Touma and the rest of the 'test audience' sat at one of the tables underneath all of the odd lighting. The camera crew and the hosts had seemingly gone to the kitchen to meet the head chef.

"So, Touma. What type of food do you think we'll be getting?"

"Honestly, I don't know. But this restaurant is functioning and the producers said something about exotic and unique foods."

"I wonder if there'll be a unique type of beef and fish."

"Whatever it is, I'm sure you'll finish your plate multiple times over, Index."

"How romantic. I've never met a love for food quite like that." The sound of another man came from next to them.

"Huh?" The three of them turned their heads in synchrony to see a golden retriever with a robot arm coming from a pack on its back.

"Tell me, human. Are talking dogs a norm for Academy City?"

"As far as I know, no. Though, I wouldn't put it past Academy City to develop that kind of technology."

"Indeed. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Kihara Noukan. I am a waiter for this restaurant."

"Ah…wait, why didn't we see you earlier, then?"

"You could say I don't have very fond memories of Maria-kun. I shudder to think what she may do if she finds me."

"Hmm…you should really get out of the way, Kihara-san."

"Well, I'll find a way to get the dishes over to you when they're complete, so enjoy your stay and immerse yourself in the romance of this Windowless Kitchen." The golden retriever said before sneaking away from the group.

"Hey, Touma." Index poked at Touma while staring at the menu. "What exactly is this dish?" She asked, showing the menu and pointing at a specific item.

* * *

As per usual, the maids stood in front of the camera with their microphone.

"And now, we introduce the head chef of this establishment."

"Meet Head Chef Aleister Crowley."

On cue, the camera turned to face an odd man with long hair in a surgical gown. He appeared both masculine yet feminine, young yet aged, saintly yet sinful. Was he a man who had attained all of the possibilities a "human" had dreamed of or had he given up on all of the possibilities a "human" could obtain?

Regardless of what it was, only one thing could be said: this "human" was a chef. He had to be. After all, he was standing in a restaurant's kitchen. A chef was the only thing he could be. What other possibility was there?

"Welcome to the heart of the Windowless Kitchen, my dear audience." The chef said. "On this day, we will be treating you to the finest of our cuisine by going straight to the lunch set we pride ourselves the most in."

"Oooooh!" The two maids once again chimed in synchrony.

"But, before you get started, we must see and example of your exotic ingredients in their untampered state!"

"Great idea, Tsuchimikado! The exotic ingredients are this restaurant's selling point. It would be quite unfair to go on without seeing them before we get into action!"

The "human" called chef crossed arms and stared into the ceiling for a few seconds with a blank look on his face before turning his eyes back to the maids. "I do not think that would deviate anything so I guess it would not hurt."

"That's wonderful!" Tsuchimikado shouted before slapping the cleaning robot on the side to make it beep (out of happiness and definitely not pain).

"Then, let's head to the places where you store your ingredients."

The chef, obliging made his way over to the fridge first. It was an odd fridge and it seemed to have six white wing shaped stickers arranged in a pattern reminiscent of a seraph on its door. "It is time for the world to feast its eyes on these exotic ingredients! Behold!" He said standing next to the fridge before opening it.

However, the fridge was…

"Uuuuhh…so the ingredients are exotic because they're invisible."

"Truly, it must be an avant garde paradigm of cooking."

The chef, confused by the two maids' words turned to see that the fridge was indeed empty. "Well…that definitely is not according to the plan. I think I may have run out of ingredients."

"Well, that would be a problem, chef."

"Definitely a problem, chef."

"It is not anything that cannot be resolved." The chef insisted. "I just need a word with my supplier. I should be able to get all of the necessary ingredients soon. So, I would appreciate it if you step out of the kitchen for a few minutes."

"Is that really necessary?"

"It's for the confidentiality of the supplier. I would not want to divulge his identity for his sake." The chef said.

"Hmmm…Well, I guess that's okay. Do you feel fine with it Tsuchimikado?"

"It's regrettable, but I guess we'll have to oblige." Maika said before tapping the cleaning robot to get it to move to the outside. "Alright, guys. Let's go into the dining room and wait for the man to call us back in!"

As they all went out of the kitchen, Maria watched the man go into a back room from the corner of her eye. Shortly after that door closed, she could have sworn to have heard the man shouting, "Help me, rhinoceros beetle!" before the sound of a collision emanated though out the restaurant.

* * *

Kamijou Touma was unsure what to think. He stared at the dish in the center of the table with a combination of awe, confusion, and disgust. It was truly unlike anything he had ever seen. "So…this is the Sample Shoggoth Set…"

"Touma…is this thing really edible?"

"Human, I know we said we'd eat the exotic foods we were served here but I think we should reconsider…"

"I feel like it would be an insult to that dog who Maria chased after if we don't at least try to have a bite."

"Umm…Kamijou Touma…wouldn't it be more of an insult to the chef?"

"No…that dog worked up the courage to bring us the food despite being scared of your cohost, Maika. I can't squander his efforts."

"Uh-huh…" Maika muttered as she looked at the meal and then to her side where her missing cohost was supposed to be.

She had run away. More accurately, she had ran after the waiter dog who she recognized. But what surprised her was less her cohost's eccentric actions and more the pace at which the dog who had whimpered before he ran away after being noticed by the cohost. She had never seen anything flee that quickly in her life.

But her thoughts about her runaway cohost's target came to a halt at the moment she heard a gulp and a growl coming from Index. "You're right, Touma. Wasting food is a sin. We can't waste any bit of this food. So…I'll take the first bite."

It was unclear if it was courage or pure hunger but Index slowly reached her fork and knife over to the platter in the center to cut a piece off of this exotic food. It was pitch black. It looked like an octopus, like a piece of fat cut away by a knife, or like a rubber film being melted from inside. It was covered in multiple bubbles and spots that were showing like glow-in-the-dark paint. No matter how much everyone looked at it, nobody could comprehend what exactly it was. However, it did not matter. The main point was simple. The instincts of almost every human in the room looking at the food were shouting out that the food should absolutely not be eaten. Even the one human taking the plunge was suppressing her instincts as she shakily used her knife to carve out a piece of the food.

As she finally cut a piece onto her plate and forced out a piece with her fork, everyone stared and a silence enveloped the dining area. "Well…Itadakimasu…" She said before closing her eyes and placing the end of the fork and food in her mouth and closing her lips.

In the next second, her eyes shot open and looked down to the fork in her hands. She pulled the fork back out and chewed for a bit before swallowing.

"Index! Are you okay?" Touma began to panic, however…

"Touma! You have to try this! It's really good!" Index said as she quickly forced off another piece with her fork and placed it into Touma's mouth right before he could close it.

"Eh? Wha-Mgff-" Touma was cut off as his teeth hit the fork and Index pulled the fork out, allowing for the food to be forced off the fork and left in his mouth. In the end, he was forced to chew and much like Index did, his eyes widened in surprised as he finished chewing and swallowing. And…

"She's right! This is actually really good!"

At the cue of the normal high school boy's words, people immediately began to pounce on the exotic food named the Sample Shoggoth Set.

From the kitchen, Aleister watched as the people in the dining area ate up the exotic food he had cooked up on camera. There was a faint smile on Aleister's face.

"In the end, my plans are working perfectly. The world's current paradigm set by Gremlin's Divinity shall soon be overturned…" As soon as he finished saying that, the smile was replaced by a face of longing. "But…"

* * *

Gremlin's Divinity was said to be an amalgamation of all of the world's cooking. This restaurant supposedly held recipes brought together into one place by Magic Gods from all over the world. As such, one could say that this restaurant's cuisine set the paradigm for the world's current chefs.

However, Gremlin's Divinity was starting its fall from grace. With the existence of the Windowless Kitchen, Gremlin's Divinity was beginning to lose its hold on the paradigm to those exotic ingredients.

"Our situation is getting terrible Nephthys. Our restaurant is losing its hold and its customers. We can't go on like this." The Shijie-Xian named Niang-Niang complained.

"We can't help it. Ever since the Windowless Kitchen began operations, we've been losing out hold." The Egyptian mummy named Nephthys retorted.

"Honestly, it doesn't help that the old man has also disappeared. Where the hell did he go, anyway?"

"Beats me."

The two stared at each other and sighed. There was nothing they could do. Gremlin's Divinity, the greatest force in the restaurant industry was meeting its decline and its chefs had been leaving one-by-one. They had to think of something to revive their dying restaurant.

At that moment, the front door to the restaurant was busted open. In the opening was what looked like a normal high school boy one could find anywhere. He had a hand on his neck as he looked into the establishment. He only said one thing that sent shivers down the spines of the two girls.

"Do you wish for a new [culinary] world?"

The two girls both jumped back as they heard those infamous words. Only a few days prior, a normal high school boy became a premier health inspector who had shut down many restaurants shortly after muttering those exact words. His name was Kamisato Kakeru, the World [Kitchen] Rejecter.

The fact that he stood at the entrance meant only one thing. The long-maintained Gremlin's Divinity was finally on its last legs.

* * *

There was once a boy who was dissatisfied with the culinary world. The culinary world at large was insufficient, inefficient, and littered with lies. The paradigm needed to be shifted. For the sake of creating a world with greater food.

But no matter how far he went, he would always find things going wrong. The culinary world did not accept him that easily. He pushed though, even when the world laughed at him.

But that did not matter. No matter how much he would be the subject of scorn, Chef Aleister Crowley continued to work to create a better culinary world.

* * *

 **A/N: Now, this was an odd one-shot that came up in my mind at the spur of the moment when I was reading NT14 and while scrolling through discussion threads. But, as soon as I finished NT14, this ended up taking precedence over everything else. Well, it's a bit different from the kind of things I normally write...**

 **Okay…it was a crack-fic and I normally don't do those but boy was this fun. Just writing some crazy story in the spur of the moment is an interesting experience. I hope you enjoyed the culinary world Aleister has created.**


End file.
